What I Really Want

What I really want
Is to be
Of certain compromises
To function in “civilized” society

I just want to
With people
That I can love
Without subjecting us to
Expectation and obligations
That twist so easily
Into contempt

What I really want is
To be free
Of these scripts
That if I was just
A little
Or less
Everything might finally be perfect

I want to let go of these stories
Telling me
To try harder
To be something else
To hurry up and be
Someone I imagined a year ago
Or two months from now

This bizarre inertia
Towards getting “there”
That keeps me
From being here
Which happens to be
Where I actually am

I don’t want
To work so hard
On closing the gap between
What is and
The narrow places of my imagination

I just don’t have it
For chasing
The drama

I want to be with people
Who understand me
To want me
Right here where I am

Because OtherWise
What is the point?

I want to be able
To embrace my longing for you
And still be right where we are
Right now
I want to be able
To sit
With all that expansive possibility
Without rushing
Right passed/past
What is already real

All this means slowing way down
To pay attention
Right here in the midst of us
We could call it patience
But I think it is something more
About Choosing Life

Maybe I am finally ready
To wait
For me
To catch up
With myself
To appreciate
Even this distance
As a part of us

I will never even get “there”
With you
But if I can finally be here
Where I am
Right now
Then I will never be alone

©2016 Chris Paige. All rights reserved.


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