Never Enough

I am never going to be man enough
Or woman enough
Never going to be butch enough
Or femme boi enough
To play the game
As anything more
Than an imposter

You will never kiss my skin
And be reminded that black is beautiful
I will always look like those people
You had to leave behind to love yourself

I will always be that thing
You never imagined
Never the fantasy
You been dreaming of
All this time

And that could have been ok
Cause all I want to be
Is creative and fierce
Truthful and hopefully trustworthy

I just want to work
The magic
That comes
When we let down our guard

But I am left walking on air
No ground below me
With hopeless determination
Not because I am courageous
But only because it feels like
There is no other option for me

There is no one to catch me
When I fall
No one to rest in
When I am tired and worn

So despair becomes
My lover instead
But it is as useless
As it is inescapable

You get to choose what you want
But I don’t have that luxury
Realizing that I may never enjoy
The illusion of belonging again

I want to make it ok
But I can’t pretend
It doesn’t
Hurt like hell

It is messy
And it’s not your job to fix it
But I can’t keep circling this pit
Hoping you will pull me back
When you already said
You don’t want to

And I can’t hold that fear with you
Unless you let me in
By myself, I know
It will swallow me whole
And I only just barely
Made it out alive
And feeling
As it is

I don’t know how to protect myself
From that inexorable gravity of falling
Except to pull myself back
And put on my armor again

What I really wanted was for you
To believe in us
Just enough
To try

And I still love you
And want you to know
Even if it isn’t enough

©2016 Chris Paige. All rights reserved.